I’ve been a proud parent for about 3 years now, so I thought I’d answer some basic questions about children for those of you who don’t have any to study.
- Why are kids so sticky?
Children are in the pupal stage of human development. They constantly excrete sticky and viscous coatings as a defense against predators.
- Why are kids so loud?
This is the natural response to hearing too many dad jokes; they are simply trying to drown out the terrible puns and word-play. Good luck to you, children. Maybe you can save us all.
- Why do kids throw temper tantrums at the store?
They are too small and inexperienced to successfully shoplift the items they want. You try packing a Dora the Explorer tea set into a size 4 diaper!
- What happens at the hospital when the baby is born?
a) Women – You are welcomed into the secret enclave where you are given all the knowledge of the cosmos; in effect, you now “know everything”. Eyes are installed in the back of your head, and your hearing is upgraded to include the “dangerous silence” app. You also get cut or torn open to remove your new human.
b) Men – You are dressed in scrubs and taken to your secret dad training session. You will learn the basic phrases and terminology needed for your new life: “Put on a sweater”, “Who touched the thermostat?”, “I need to go to the hardware store”, “Hi Hungry, I’m Dad!” Your mustache will spontaneously appear while your hairline recedes. Your brain will get the “Lame Joke” downgrade.
c) Same-gendered couples – You get to choose which of you gets which options with a full-contact Rock-Paper-Scissors match.
- Why do children run everywhere?
Their batteries are still new and fresh. They will gradually slow down as they age, as evidenced by 90 year old humans shuffling around the mall.
- Why are children always laughing and playing?
They haven’t had the joy sucked out of them by reality and adults yet. Many evil adults, such as Rush Limbaugh and Joan Crawford, are sustained by draining the happiness from small children. If you’ve ever wondered how your horrible Great Aunt Myrna is still alive, check to see if there’s an elementary school near her home.
- Why do children always have snotty noses?
Our bodies actually create the same quantity of mucous our whole lives. Children’s sinus cavities are just much smaller than adults’, therefore less of it is contained.
- Why do so many children have peanut allergies now?
This is the result of the current “foodie” movement. Babies as a whole have decided that peanuts are passé. And who can blame them.
- Why do kids put everything in their mouths?
Much information can be gained from an item by licking or biting it. Babies are very curious, and want to learn all they can about the world. Adults have already assimilated most of the information available from biting things, therefore no longer need to. Imagine biting a book: you already know what it would feel like, right? You’ve bitten everything you need to, but they have lots more biting to do.
- Bonus question: Why do parents drink so much wine?
It’s easy to disguise in a coffee mug.
I hope that was enlightening for those of you who don’t have kids, or haven’t had kids around in a long time. They’re a lot of fun, and more manageable if you just pretend they’re tiny, drunk adults.