I’ve been a proud parent for about 3 years now, so I thought I’d answer some basic questions about children for those of you who don’t have any to study.
- Why are kids so sticky?
Children are in the pupal stage of human development. They constantly excrete sticky and viscous coatings as a defense against predators.
- Why are kids so loud?
This is the natural response to hearing too many dad jokes; they are simply trying to drown out the terrible puns and word-play. Good luck to you, children. Maybe you can save us all.
- Why do kids throw temper tantrums at the store?
They are too small and inexperienced to successfully shoplift the items they want. You try packing a Dora the Explorer tea set into a size 4 diaper!
- What happens at the hospital when the baby is born?
a) Women – You are welcomed into the secret enclave where you are given all the knowledge of the cosmos; in effect, you now “know everything”. Eyes are installed in the back of your head, and your hearing is upgraded to include the “dangerous silence” app. You also get cut or torn open to remove your new human.
b) Men – You are dressed in scrubs and taken to your secret dad training session. You will learn the basic phrases and terminology needed for your new life: “Put on a sweater”, “Who touched the thermostat?”, “I need to go to the hardware store”, “Hi Hungry, I’m Dad!” Your mustache will spontaneously appear while your hairline recedes. Your brain will get the “Lame Joke” downgrade.
c) Same-gendered couples – You get to choose which of you gets which options with a full-contact Rock-Paper-Scissors match.
- Why do children run everywhere?
Their batteries are still new and fresh. They will gradually slow down as they age, as evidenced by 90 year old humans shuffling around the mall.
- Why are children always laughing and playing?
They haven’t had the joy sucked out of them by reality and adults yet. Many evil adults, such as Rush Limbaugh and Joan Crawford, are sustained by draining the happiness from small children. If you’ve ever wondered how your horrible Great Aunt Myrna is still alive, check to see if there’s an elementary school near her home.
- Why do children always have snotty noses?
Our bodies actually create the same quantity of mucous our whole lives. Children’s sinus cavities are just much smaller than adults’, therefore less of it is contained.
- Why do so many children have peanut allergies now?
This is the result of the current “foodie” movement. Babies as a whole have decided that peanuts are passé. And who can blame them.
- Why do kids put everything in their mouths?
Much information can be gained from an item by licking or biting it. Babies are very curious, and want to learn all they can about the world. Adults have already assimilated most of the information available from biting things, therefore no longer need to. Imagine biting a book: you already know what it would feel like, right? You’ve bitten everything you need to, but they have lots more biting to do.
- Bonus question: Why do parents drink so much wine?
It’s easy to disguise in a coffee mug.
I hope that was enlightening for those of you who don’t have kids, or haven’t had kids around in a long time. They’re a lot of fun, and more manageable if you just pretend they’re tiny, drunk adults.
Ladies, duckface is played out. Yes, maybe it makes you look thinner, because it sucks in your cheeks, but it also makes you look unbearably smug. So here’s the new thing: FISH FACE!! I mean, take a look at these wildly attractive ladies:
As most of you know, I recently had a baby. Now that he’s over three months old, I don’t have to watch him like a hawk the way I used to. We’ve been working with our dog, Flapjack, this whole time so he can take over some of the baby-watching duties. It’s important to start early, so that dog and baby are familiar with the routines by the three month mark.
Start training your dog by rubbing peanut butter on the baby. Allow your dog to lick it off. This will train him to bathe the baby for you. I recommend creamy peanut butter, and start with just a few smears, like on the cheeks, chest, and hands.
You can also train your dog to notify you when the baby needs something. Start by laying your baby down on the floor a couple rooms away from you. When the baby starts to cry, give your dog a treat. Gradually move the baby further away, and train the dog to sit by the baby until it starts crying. Give it a treat when it comes to notify you. Next thing you know, you can be on your porch sipping cocktails for hours, while man’s best friend keeps watch.
Dogs and babies love to nap together. Train your dog to roll your baby to his back for naps, and to his tummy for tummy time, by hiding treats under the baby.
Training your dog to change diapers is the most challenging, but the most rewarding, in terms of time savings. Start by training him to open the diaper tabs, then to throw the diaper in the garbage. The hardest part for dogs is using baby wipes. Make sure to leave the package open with the top one hanging out so it’s easy to grab. You may have to experiment with different brands to find ones that are durable enough. The time invested early will pay dividends when you’re catching up on Game of Thrones while your dog does the dirty work.
Having your dog read to your baby can be rewarding for both of them. Babies don’t speak English, and neither do dogs, so they can bond over that commonality. Those big plastic books make it easy for your dog to turn the pages.
It’s possible for your dog to help feed the baby, but you should probably at least prepare the bottles yourself, for sanitation reasons. Dogs can easily hold bottles for babies who are too young to hold them themselves.
If you haven’t figured it out, April Fool’s!! Please, don’t rub peanut butter on your baby.