How to tell if you’re Bad at the Internet

Everyone wants to appear as though they know what they’re doing, but the internet is a minefield of weird inside jokes and hidden etiquette. There are several main indicators that demonstrate to other people that you aren’t as internet savvy as you might be.

  1. You type “www.” in before a web address.
    You don’t actually have to do this anymore. The internet box knows everything starts with “www”, so you can just type the site, “thatcleverchick.com” for example.
  2. You Google everything, even websites you know the name of.
    If you’re going to Netflix.com, just type “Netflix.com” in the address bar at the top of the page. Please do not go to Google and type “Netflix.com”. If you’re unsure of the spelling, then this is acceptable, but if you type yourself typing “.com” into Google, you deserve a slap.
  3. You never use Google.
    Yahoo and Bing are both terrible search engines. Using either one of these shows that you are completely inept at life, and deserve severe mockery.
  4. You type in the entire website name.
    Ok, you’ve taken some good steps: typing a web address directly into the address bar, rather than Google, but it has pre-populated, (meaning I type the letter “G” and a list of sites I commonly use, starting with the letter G pops down) and rather than click on the handy-dandy link, you keep typing! What is the point of that? You don’t earn points for extra effort, just click the link and be more efficient.
  5. You ask what abbreviations mean.
    Mi Madre started a conversation with me not too long ago like this: “I know what ‘WTF’ means…(Oh God! *INTERNAL CRINGE* What horrible, obscene thing did my poor mother find on the internet that I’m now going to have to explain?!?!?!)…but what is ‘FTW’?” (*MASSIVE INTERNAL SIGH OF RELIEF*) “For the win.”Fortunately for all you n00bs out there, there is a website called urbandictionary.com. They define all the ridiculous internet inventions and memes, so you don’t have to find a “young person” to ask. Start by looking up “n00bs” and “memes”.
  6. You double-click everything.
    Most things on the internet are buttons, meaning you just click once. If people keep double clicking I’m going to start tazing them as punishment.
  7. You have a terrible email address.
    If your email address STILL ends in “@aol.com” you are a completely lost cause. I’m amazed you even found this blog, let alone turned your computer on. You should probably just be shot out of a cannon, so your life has a modicum of meaning. Having a yahoo email address is slightly better, but still terrible. Hotmail is somewhat looked down on, while gmail is considered the best. If you have your own email, such as “@thatcleverchick.com” you are considered an Internet Professional. (I don’t have that…yet).Similarly, if your screen name or email address is “Princess783487548” or “Eyem_s000_Kewl37” you’re either 13, or a time traveler from 1995. (If you’re a time traveler, please go to Stephen Hawking’s time traveler party!) Seriously, take the time to come up with a unique, easy to remember email address. There is more than one free email provider out there, so shop around until you get a good address.
  8. Someone tells you a website name, and you ask “Dot com?”
    They pretty much all end in “.com”. Yes, there are some exceptions, but when that is the case people emphasize it: “Go to ‘Austin pets alive DOT ORG'”, because they know that everyone will assume .com.

If you don’t know how to do something online (like an email attachment), just Google it. You can even type in whole questions! Like “How do I do an email attachment on aol?” and you should find the answer. If you don’t know why “Ain’t nobody got time for that!” is funny, just type it into the magic answer box of Google. You may never be up-to-date on all the ridiculousness that floats around the internet (like Gangham Style, Nyan Cat, or Keyboard Cat), but you don’t need to be. Avoid these obvious signs that you have no idea what you’re doing, and use this new found knowledge to mock others incessantly.

What else did I miss? What makes you snort and shake your head when you see people online?

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February 8, 2013. Tags: , , . Nerd Stuff, Random typing.

2 Comments

  1. Black replied:

    When people refer to the internet as “the interwebs” (non-ironically) or “the online”. Both are frowned upon.

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