We have a tiny kitchenette at my office, and, as with any shared space, people do not take proper care of it. I don’t know if it’s the lack of accountability or what, but people who are usually neat and polite in person, turn into complete selfish jackasses when there are no witnesses. Instead of worrying about a tree falling in the forest, the question should be “If there’s no one in the kitchen, will a person clean up after themselves?” The answer is a resounding no (unless that person is me, because I know that with my luck someone would walk in just as I was stealing their lunch, or leaving a coffee spill, so I ALWAYS
hide the evidence clean up after myself).
When I see one paper towel left on the roll:
Just replace the roll, lazy ass! Don’t even start with your “But there’s still one left” crap. You know what you did is socially unacceptable. Just grab another roll, and swap it out. The new paper towels are kept conveniently in the same exact room, so they are literally within 8 feet of you, no matter where you’re standing. I even know which cabinet they’re in, but you don’t deserve that information. Hunt through all 8 cabinets until you find them. The 2 minutes you spend doing that is your punishment, and you will value the knowledge all the more for having earned it yourself. It’s even worse when they leave half a paper towel on the roll. I might turn into She-hulk next time I see that.
When I see dirty dishes in the sink:
WE HAVE A DISHWASHER. JUST PUT THEM IN IT. You don’t even have to sully your precious hands with something as bourgeois as washing a dish. Literally set them in the dishwasher, and, like magic, clean dishes will appear. I know your excuse this time: “But I don’t know if it’s clean or dirty in there!” IT’S LABELED. There is a magnet on the front that says “Clean” on one side and “Dirty” on the other. Maybe you’d be able to read it if you pulled your head out of your own self-importance.
When the dish soap is closed:
I know you’re probably trying to make the kitchen look neat and tidy, but there is no reason to snap the lid shut on the Dawn. It’s not Pandora’s Box. When I need it, my hands are wet, and the whole bottle is slick with leaked soap, so it takes ten minutes of prying and swearing before I can hand wash my one plate. The soap will not escape. It won’t ooze out of the bottle and destroy all mankind. Just leave it open, and I won’t rip off the top of your skull to illustrate the proper soap-lid position.
When there’s no coffee:
You finished the pot, or almost worse, left a quarter inch at the bottom in a sad pretense of leaving some for the next person. That sad, cold bottom coffee is a symbol of your thoughtlessness. It is morning. You have received caffeine through no effort of your own. Pay it forward by making another pot so I can have the same glorious infusion. You wouldn’t like me when I’m un-caffeinated.
The bottom line is your time is not more valuable than mine. It is not my job to clean up after you or make your life easier in any way. If you wouldn’t do something when people are watching you shouldn’t do it at all. What’s that golden rule again? Treat others…something, something…oh wait it’s DON’T BE AN ASSHOLE.
Hubby and I have a ridiculous Halloween party every year. It’s our favorite holiday, and we try and come up with something new whenever we can. This year, we may have reached the pinnacle. The whole house was decked out like a mad scientist’s lab, and we crafted things for months in advance.
Bloody thift store sheets!
Shelf of specimens! (including baby parts in jars!)
This is an underwear mannequin we own, and what better use for her?
Bloody surgery gloves and tools!
Torture table!! (Complete with Justein Beiber CD!!!)
Unhappy dogs in costume! (Flapjack’s arrived later that night)
Evil surgeon and patient, with happier, de-costumed dogs!
A non-costumed person, vampire, hitchhiker, me, and Batgirl!
My wonderful Hubby was the robot David from Prometheus!
I even used my surgery scar as part of my costume! I super glued metal bits over top to look like staples. We had such a great time, and I have no idea what we’re going to do next year!
As you might know, Mi Madre has a tiny quilting hobby, and that hobby creates a lot of mess in the form of fabric and thread scraps. Being the thrifty, eco-friendly (aside from her GIGANTIC PICK UP TRUCK) lady she is, she came up with a method to use all those scraps. I don’t create nearly as much detritus as she does, but I eventually had enough scraps to use for this project.
Loyal readers/stalkers may remember that my sweet, cutest-dog-until-the-end-of-eternity Flapjack already has a handmade dog bed. They may also remember that he once did this to my carpeting:
He basically did the same thing to the bed in his crate. So we’re going to start with a new bed, and toys while he’s locked up, because he obviously needs something to do other than dig.
You will need a thrift store or other unneeded pillow case, and a bunch of crap to stuff it with. If you are reworking some of your t-shirts, save the scraps for this type of thing. This is a great way to reuse holey socks, stained undershirts, or other fabric that is too messed up for the thrift store.
Stuff it with all that crap you’ve been saving (you can even store scraps in the pillow case while you’re hoarding them up), and make it nice and fluffy. Then pin it shut like so:
Sew that beast shut, and BOOM dog bed! I even wrapped Flapjack’s in another thifted pillow case so I can wash it:
What if you don’t have a dog, or all your dogs already have beds? Make them anyway and donate to your local shelter or pet rescue organization. Dogs can be destructive, as my sweet angel pie has shown, so they need that stuff constantly.
The Hubby and I had a small-but-still-epic apocalypse party in December. We rented a projector and played Mad Max (this is a Movie You Should Have Seen by Now) on the wall of our living room. Of course, we also dressed up:
I had so much fun with our apocalypse make up! I used brown eye shadow to make the dirt around Hubby’s goggles. I used white Halloween makeup for mine, with red eyeshadow on top, and black eyeliner. I used black eyeliner for lipliner, then dark blue lipstick. I used black eyeshadow over top of the lipstick to seal it and darken the color. It came out really amazing and I wish I got better pictures.
The problem with the apocalypse is that it was supposed to happen so close to Christmas. I didn’t want to deal with decorating and un-decorating the house twice, so we simply had Christmas decorations up. If we’d had more time, I would have decorated the house with roaches (either plastic or cut out of construction paper), and our skulls and bones from Halloween. In fact, we could have left a lot of our amazing Halloween decorations up. I also thought decorating with jugs of water and stacks of canned goods would be great.
We didn’t have a lot of time, but we didn’t exactly skimp out on the theme. In addition to the movie projector we rented incredibly cheaply through Loanables, Hubby made a papier-mache globe which we smashed all to hell. Candy, dinosaurs, and pirates came out. It was an amazing time, and I can’t wait for the world to actually end.
Around this time of year, people are constantly asking “What are you doing for Valentine’s day?” Hubby and I have been together for ten years, so people assume I’ll answer “We’re riding winged hippos to our private concert with The Cure in Valhalla, then we roll in fairy dust and eat rainbow babies. They taste like marshmallows!” or something like that.
I know single people hate Valentine’s because couples are gross, and on and on. But couples hate it too. Do you have any idea how much pressure there is to come up with a magical romance scenario? Also, I’m not really supposed to plan anything, it’s all on Hubby’s shoulders. On top of all of that, some people made their plans LAST year, so all the winged hippos are already reserved! I would rather stay home, get drunk together, and play couch coop killing zombies on Xbox.
So let’s REBEL.
No more expensive meals crammed into busy restaurants with every other couple in your neighborhood. No more over-priced flowers and chocolates (I mean, you can make chocolate covered strawberries if you want, but those are just good for any occasion).
Die Hard is the perfect movie to watch on Valentine’s. Yes, it’s a Christmas movie, but it has action, adventure, romance, and most importantly, ALAN RICKMAN. Oh what a hot demon of a man. He’s so good at being evil!! It’s romantic without being in your face mushy, and let’s just be honest, it’s possible one of the greatest movies of all time.
If you haven’t seen it yet, don’t bother to tell me. Use this as your excuse to finally see it. I’m starting a new tag called “Movies you should have seen by now” and this is a great movie to start with. You really should see the whole series.
Have a great Thursday, no matter what you end up doing or with who.
Everyone wants to appear as though they know what they’re doing, but the internet is a minefield of weird inside jokes and hidden etiquette. There are several main indicators that demonstrate to other people that you aren’t as internet savvy as you might be.
- You type “www.” in before a web address.
You don’t actually have to do this anymore. The internet box knows everything starts with “www”, so you can just type the site, “thatcleverchick.com” for example.
- You Google everything, even websites you know the name of.
If you’re going to Netflix.com, just type “Netflix.com” in the address bar at the top of the page. Please do not go to Google and type “Netflix.com”. If you’re unsure of the spelling, then this is acceptable, but if you type yourself typing “.com” into Google, you deserve a slap.
- You never use Google.
Yahoo and Bing are both terrible search engines. Using either one of these shows that you are completely inept at life, and deserve severe mockery.
- You type in the entire website name.
Ok, you’ve taken some good steps: typing a web address directly into the address bar, rather than Google, but it has pre-populated, (meaning I type the letter “G” and a list of sites I commonly use, starting with the letter G pops down) and rather than click on the handy-dandy link, you keep typing! What is the point of that? You don’t earn points for extra effort, just click the link and be more efficient.
- You ask what abbreviations mean.
Mi Madre started a conversation with me not too long ago like this: “I know what ‘WTF’ means…(Oh God! *INTERNAL CRINGE* What horrible, obscene thing did my poor mother find on the internet that I’m now going to have to explain?!?!?!)…but what is ‘FTW’?” (*MASSIVE INTERNAL SIGH OF RELIEF*) “For the win.”Fortunately for all you n00bs out there, there is a website called urbandictionary.com. They define all the ridiculous internet inventions and memes, so you don’t have to find a “young person” to ask. Start by looking up “n00bs” and “memes”.
- You double-click everything.
Most things on the internet are buttons, meaning you just click once. If people keep double clicking I’m going to start tazing them as punishment.
- You have a terrible email address.
If your email address STILL ends in “@aol.com” you are a completely lost cause. I’m amazed you even found this blog, let alone turned your computer on. You should probably just be shot out of a cannon, so your life has a modicum of meaning. Having a yahoo email address is slightly better, but still terrible. Hotmail is somewhat looked down on, while gmail is considered the best. If you have your own email, such as “@thatcleverchick.com” you are considered an Internet Professional. (I don’t have that…yet).Similarly, if your screen name or email address is “Princess783487548” or “Eyem_s000_Kewl37” you’re either 13, or a time traveler from 1995. (If you’re a time traveler, please go to Stephen Hawking’s time traveler party!) Seriously, take the time to come up with a unique, easy to remember email address. There is more than one free email provider out there, so shop around until you get a good address.
- Someone tells you a website name, and you ask “Dot com?”
They pretty much all end in “.com”. Yes, there are some exceptions, but when that is the case people emphasize it: “Go to ‘Austin pets alive DOT ORG'”, because they know that everyone will assume .com.
If you don’t know how to do something online (like an email attachment), just Google it. You can even type in whole questions! Like “How do I do an email attachment on aol?” and you should find the answer. If you don’t know why “Ain’t nobody got time for that!” is funny, just type it into the magic answer box of Google. You may never be up-to-date on all the ridiculousness that floats around the internet (like Gangham Style, Nyan Cat, or Keyboard Cat), but you don’t need to be. Avoid these obvious signs that you have no idea what you’re doing, and use this new found knowledge to mock others incessantly.
What else did I miss? What makes you snort and shake your head when you see people online?