The One with all the Surgery

As I have mentioned a couple times, I recently had to have a small surgery performed. Here is the story. There are pictures, but I will save them until the very end in case you get grossed out easily, and I will warn you when they are coming.

It all started when I was reading a book. The main character in the book was pregnant, and she reached down to feel her uterus when she was about 3 months along, and said it felt like a round, hard tennis ball under her skin. I thought “That’s interesting, I wonder what a normal one feels like?”, so I reached down to my tummy, and felt a round, hard, tennis ball type thing. Umm….so that was unnerving. I sent Hubby for a home pregnancy test (I mean, we are responsible and all that LIKE EVERYONE SHOULD BE, but there’s always a chance), which came back negative (I TOLD YOU WE’RE RESPONSIBLE). So I went to my Lady Doctor, who sent me for a sonogram, which discovered a giant fibroid.

A fibroid is a benign growth (“It’s not a tuma!”). My doctor said the difference is a fibroid is made up of one cell cloning itself over and over, but a tumor is made up of mutant cells that grow out of control and cause other cells to mutate. The one I had had probably been growing for 2 years, and was about the size of a guinea pig. Immediately after I found all this out, Kornberg and I decided this stowaway needed a name and a back story. Obviously, it should be a she since she’s on my uterus, and she should be somewhat unpleasant, since she’s been causing me some discomfort, was going to be expensive to remove, and wasn’t even paying rent! We named her Shalene (pronounced shay-LEAN), and she is your classic, bitchy, Southern lady. she’ll make rude comments, but end it with “bless your heart”, so you can’t really get mad. She also had a tiny neighboring fibroid we decided was her tea-cup poodle named Princess.

The symptoms I was having were pretty mild, and it wasn’t until we knew Shalene was in there that we realized she was causing those problems. I was getting odd heart burn, like after I ate oatmeal, and I had horrific menstrual cramps like demons were trying to use me as a portal to cross over into our world. She also would have caused complications if I had been pregnant. As large as she was, she would have been poking my organs, or could have lost blood-flow and died while I was pregnant, leading to all kinds of complications. Since Hubby and I are on the inevitable track towards Baby Town, it was important to evict this bitch.

I have never been in the hospital before and never had any surgery other than wisdom teeth removal, so Hubby and I were nervous. The day before I went in, I was on a liquid diet, but apparently alcohol doesn’t count as a liquid. Isn’t that horrific?! The day of the surgery I couldn’t have anything, even water. My parents came and sat in the waiting room with me and Hubby, and we tried to talk about simple things my food-starved brain could comprehend. Once I was admitted, and had my glasses off, everything else is kind of a blur. I remember waking up in the recovery room and joking with the nurse that they should add bikini waxing services. I figured it would be a good test to prove that someone is under anesthesia, and that’s also the only way I would ever get one; drugged to unconsciousness.

I stayed in the hospital for 2 days, which was actually really nice. They gave me drugs and food without me having to do anything, and it was really quiet. Hubby stayed in the room with me the whole time, and our wonderful roommates were watching the animals for us. I didn’t know it at the time, but they also cleaned the whole house, and made me a gift basket of books, crafts, and Asian snack foods!!! Aren’t they the greatest?

Staying in the hospital was really nice. There was no “I should be getting something accomplished” feeling. There was nothing around me I had to do, and no one expected me to do anything. It was like a meditation retreat. All that guilt that settles into my shoulders all week, the I should be doing the dishes, mopping the floor, decluttering, blogging, etc. was non-existent, and it was nice. After that, I had to stay home for 2 weeks, which was also very restful. Friends brought me food, and Hubby waited on me hand and foot. All I did was sleep and read and eat! I also used this time to detox from coffee, which I was seriously hooked on. Now I can have a cup if I want, not because I have to, and it’s great!

Okay, well all in all it was fairly uneventful. Mostly I slept and took pills. If only every vacation could be so great! Now I’m healing up, I’m not addicted to pain killers or coffee, and I’m back at work (unfortunately). If you are squeamish, this is the end of the post. If you want to see what came out of me, keep going.

 

 

 

*WARNING: GROSS PICTURES OF MY INSIDES COMING UP*

This is Shalene when she was still attached to my uterus. You can see she’s seriously the size of a guinea pig.

Here she is after she was removed (and her little dog, too!) She weighed about a pound and a half.

 

This is the picture that creeped us out. Look at it a bit and see if you notice anything. I’ll wait………….ok it looks like an alien baby head! Everyone says so! Even the doctor!!! Shalene was obviously trying to take over my life like a pod person. I’m just glad we found her when we did. I don’t want to be replaced by a demon alien spawn! So creepy.

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July 17, 2012. Tags: , , , . Random typing.

16 Comments

  1. Ashley Porter replied:

    Just WoW!

  2. Julia Martinez replied:

    Very very cool ! ! !

  3. Valerie replied:

    Holy crap, it DOES look like an alien baby head!!! Hopefully you’re done having Sci-Fi babies & can get to making a human one soon. Excited for you guys…about the future human babies, please no more aliens with little dogs! Glad you’re OK & everything went well!

    • thatcleverchick replied:

      I think one alien baby head is enough for my lifetime. Future human babies are on the horizon. The scary, scary horizon.

  4. BL replied:

    AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!

  5. kornberg replied:

    I AM SO HAPPY THAT I WAS FEATURED PROMINENTLY IN THE COOLEST POST EVER

  6. Black replied:

    Goddamn. That’s seriously crazy. Glad you’re feeling better. Now get to baby-makin’.

  7. DIY Magic Wand « My Attempts at Cleverness replied:

    […] a magic wand for Kornberg. She made me this fantastic cross stitch to give to my surgeon after the Giant Fibroid of Doom. (Kornberg even sells the pattern on her Etsy, so you can make your very own […]

  8. Deena Schiek replied:

    Clever chick…I got a link to this blog from a friend, Sheila Thackston. I have found that I have a fibroid and ” it feels like a baby” according to the doctor. I am going to get a hysterectomy but your heart burn sounds so simliar to mine as well as the periods that have me in the fetal position for 2 days! Were you also enemic? This gives me an idea of “what to expect when expecting a baby fibroid” When removing it did they go through your belly button?
    I have named my Todd but you have to use a nasal voice when saying it. It just sounded like a douchy guy (hehehe) that makes your life so very difficult.
    Thanks for posting this. It helped me!

    • thatcleverchick replied:

      They didn’t test me for anemia, so I’m not sure. Mine was also too large to go through my belly button, so I have a bikini-line scar, that’s not that bad. I love that I’m not the only person to name my fibroid! Todd does sound like a douche; evict him!! If you have any other questions about the procedure, or my experience, friend me on Facebook through Sheila.

  9. (Belated) Halloween! « My Attempts at Cleverness replied:

    […] even used my surgery scar as part of my costume! I super glued metal bits over top to look like staples. We had such a great […]

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