It’s not pleasant. Period.
As I write this, I am on the first day of the most horrific part of my lady cycle. Aunt Irma is visiting according to “The IT Crowd”, and I was hoping for some empathy. Hubby is at work, and I was laying in my dark bedroom, alone aside from Flapjack, and a cat that won’t shut up. I decided I need a distraction from my misery, so here’s a taste of what it’s like to be me on the day I’ve “fallen to the Communists”.
1. Lay in bed whining, attempting to sound like an injured puppy, so the dog will understand you are in pain and bring you treats.
2. Endlessly text Hubby and sister telling them of the horrors you are experiencing. Cry when you don’t receive a text back within 18 seconds. Obviously no one loves you.
3. Resolve to order massive amounts of Chinese food, only to realize you cleaned out the checking account to buy 7 dozen eclairs on the way home from work, the last of which you’ve already eaten.
4. Rail against God, and organized religion in general for the oppression of women and destruction of nature worship. There should be a crowd of servants around you right now providing for your every whim and marveling at your fertility.
5. Apologize to God, and beg for a new form of Midol that more closely resembles heroin.
6. After 18 seconds, attempt to bargain with Satan. Offer to sacrifice the shrieking cat to him if he’ll make the pain stop. Evidently he doesn’t want her either.
7. Finally disengage from blankets, and resolve again to order everything on the Chinese menu, as well as 3 pizzas.
8. Drag heating pad behind you from room to room, like a small child with a stuffed animal. This reminds you of your childhood toy, which is on a shelf where you can’t reach it. Cry dejectedly on the stairs for 20 minutes because your bear must think you don’t love him.
9. Shriek like a banshee at the air conditioner for making a noise.
10. Finally, walk downstairs, and kick any random thing that happens to be in your way. You’ve taken enough Midol to not feel your legs, but apparently this will not mitigate the uterine contractions.
11. Lay on the couch to rest, and scheme about how to acquire a goat. Obviously a portal to hell is opening in your lower abdomen, and a sacrificial goat is the only thing to quiet it down.
12. Wonder aloud why there is not a chocolate delivery service. Begin narrating business plan to create one as soon as you have the energy. Realize the cats are not taking notes, and give up. You are obviously a complete failure. The kid can write the Eragon books at age 12, and you just lay around talking to your animals like a demented cat lady. Cry for 32 minutes.
13. Attempt to find comfort in your favorite old sitcoms. Turn it off after five minutes, disgusted with how happy and bright everything is. Bitches.
14. Strongly consider eating dog’s rawhide treat. He’s trying to share it, right?
15. Text every Catholic person you know, casually inquiring about exorcisms.
16. Text every heterosexual male you know, casually asking if they ever saved anyone in the Alien movies who already had the alien babies writhing around inside them.
17. Resolve never to have children.
18. See a commercial for the “Gerber Life Grow Up Plan” and cry because you don’t have any babies. Wipe face with hand, wipe hand on dog.
19. Drag yourself to the kitchen. There is no food because you’re a lazy bastard and didn’t go to the store. Drink glass of box wine instead of food.
20. Realize 6 Midol in 2 hours and a glass of wine may not be the best combination. Stumble to computer to tweet about it.
21. Notice several of your last tweets reference “box wine”, and there’s even one referencing how much you reference box wine. Resolve to quit drinking forever.
22. After this glass.
23. Scream yourself hoarse at your Farmville because your crops are not ripe.
24. Wonder at the continuation of the human race in spite of this monthly reminder all women have about how painful it is to get even liquid out of their uteri. No wonder everyone thinks women are dumber than men! Men get hit in the nuts once, and invent the cup. Women are awful!
25. See a commercial about bras, and decide all women are beautiful. Resolve to love yourself more, and wear those jeans you love, but someone once said weren’t that flattering on you, because you ARE beautiful. Call all females in your phone and tell them they are you spirit sisters, and we must all love and support each other in all of our endeavors.
26. Scream through walls at neighbor for letting his car alarm go off. Find random objects nearby to throw, and cry when they hit the floor four feet away. Resolve to get into shape as soon as you feel better.
27. Order Chinese food anyway, and request 45 fortune cookies. Hope they won’t run the charge until tomorrow. Tell them to keep their “tiny useless sticks” and bring a shovel so you can feed yourself “properly”.
28. Take two more Midol.
29. Realize your heating pad hasn’t been plugged in this whole time. Feel like an idiot. Resolve to get janitorial job, because that’s obviously all you’re good for.
30. Feel guilty for denigrating janitorial workers. Plan to bring presents for the janitors at your office.
31. When the Chinese food arrives, offer a dissertation on the plight of immigrants in America, and tell the delivery guy how noble he is for his struggle towards the American dream. He informs you he was, in fact, born here, and is a local college student. He declines the extra two dollars from your slimy, mucus covered hand.
32. Wonder if a bowling ball could have spontaneously generated in your GI tract, become sentient, and be attempting escape.
33. Wish, beg, and entreat all super natural beings of both the light and darkness to give you the power to set fires with your mind. Focus really hard on the neighbor’s ugly bush they won’t trim. When it doesn’t ignite, search for “Firestarter” on Netflix.
34. Realize Steven King looks like an ape, and you hate everything he’s ever written. Decide to start new blog dedicated to his destruction.
35. Also realize this means you’ll have to read everything he’s ever written, plus probably watch the movie adaptations. Shudder violently, and almost lose your appetite, gagging a little. Decide to stick with your current blog.
36. Eat self into semi-comatose state. You still can’t sleep, your uterus still feels as though demon-spawn will start bursting out any second, and now your stuffed belly is weighing down on it. Turn heating pad on high.
37. Surrender to online shopping.
38. Start work on creating teleportation, so you can get your new books from Amazon NOW because you NEED THEM!!
39. Realize you have a barely functional knowledge of any and all sciences. And you thought you were smart. How dare you even VOTE much less act as though you are smarter than anyone else? Plus, you’re fat.
40. Eat more Chinese food, along with a donut you found next to the couch. It can’t be that old. Wash this down with more box wine. You might as well finish the box, since it’s half gone already.