I’m sure many rants have been written on this particular topic, but it’s on my mind today, so you get to read another one. I’m sure mine will be the most humorous and insightful of them all.
Pets are not people. Don’t give them people names. Kory, Steve, and April are people names. If you post to your facebook that “April ran in circles then pooped on the floor”, I have no idea if you’re talking about your child or an animal of some kind. A facebook post very similar to that is what started this whole rant.
I’m at the age where lots of my friends have young children. I also have tons of friends with no kids at all, but pets they view as their children. There are enough random people on my facebook that I often don’t know whether or not they have kids, or pets, or both. They could very easily be posting to facebook about their special needs child, not their dog, so if I make a snarky comment I’m the one that looks like an ass. This is not cool.
My pets names are Flapjack, Mudface, Tinkerbell, Mushroom, and Ferret. They are obviously pets. I can talk about Tinkerbell eating hairbands without fear of confusion. Naming pets is an opportunity to be creative. When naming your spawn you should stick within certain societal guidelines, unless you are a nutbag famous person. They don’t count. Apple, Prince Michael, and Moxie CrimeFighter would be teased in the school yard, and later ignored for job interviews if they didn’t have famous parents. Names like that are about the parent using the child to further their own status by getting attention. It doesn’t allow the child to develop their own identity. They are forever dismissed as the kid of that famous wack-a-doo.
Back to the pets. How freaking boring of a person are you that you can only come up with a normal, boring person name for your pet? A name not even good enough to give a plant? I have a cactus named Cornelius, which I think is hysterical. Technically that’s a person name, but it’s definitely not common, and I would never post to facebook “Cornelius seems to have some kind of fungus. I hope they don’t have to amputate!” That’s completely retarded and misleading.
Here’s the bottom line: If you gave your pet a boring person name, obviously it’s too late to change it now. When posting to any social media, start with a qualifier such as “My dog, April…” Is that so hard?
Basically, my main problem is this: I don’t know how to respond to this stuff. Should I be severely worried and sympathic that your child seems to throw up a lot, or should I laugh with you and joke about how my cat does the same thing? You are inconveniencing ME!!! I end up avoiding communicating with people to avoid potential embarrassment, and that sucks. So think ahead when you name your pets and children. Think, “How will this affect That Clever Chick, ruler of all and infinite font of wisdom?”. Actually, think about all your decisions in that way. I’m going to go get some HWTATCCROAAIFOW bracelets printed. Who wants one???