Today’s Soundtrack
Sometimes you just get fed up to your eyeballs with work and need something to help you power through. Here are some of my favorite songs for that situation:
The Flaming Lips – Bad Days
Weezer – The Good Life
Franz Ferdinand – Jacqueline
Not related, but awesome music video: Daft Punk – Around the World
Apparently my knowledge of music completely ended in the 90′s. That’s what happens when you listen to nothing but NPR. You guys have any updated selections for me? Please?
I wrote a thing!
My friend Palmer is amazing, and creative, and productive, and she has started her own online magazine. It’s pretty badass. And who has two thumbs and was asked to write for it? This chick! Here’s my super great article. Read it and praise me!
I was almost attacked by ninjas
All of this is 100% true, and literally just happened:
So I was sitting in my living room, minding my own business, when my roommate looks up and says “There are ninjas in the back yard”. This of course confused me since I don’t live in feudal Japan. I realized the shock and confusion on her face were genuine, and turned around to look out the windows. Sure enough, a ten year old boy with a shirt wrapped around his head like a ninja hood ran by, in my back yard. Usually there are only squirrels back there, so I was pretty startled. I opened the back door, and Flapjack ran outside. He immediately cornered the ninjas behind the shed, and barked as though he were a full-sized terrifying dog, instead of a tiny corgi. The boys took him seriously, though.
They finally came out from behind the shed, and boy #1 IMMEDIATELY ratted on his buddy. He pulled down his mask, pointed, and said “It was his idea!!” Boy #2 came out from behind the shed, pulled down his hood, and said “No it wasn’t!” I explained to them that if they want to come over again, they need to ask first because we have a much bigger dog also, who just isn’t home right now, so it might not be safe (it probably would, but I am not telling ninjas my secrets). They said okay, and started to walk out of the yard, heads hanging. Flapjack decided to “escort” them out, by barking viciously. They then took off running, and he gleefully chased them across the yard, barking the entire time.
The entire incident was hilarious, and even though I don’t know those kids, I didn’t impugn their honor by laughing in their faces. I congratulated Flapjack thoroughly on protecting the house, and died a little from laughing so hard. I kind of wish they had been a little more dedicated to the roll. I mean, revealing your identity right off the bat?? That’s a rookie mistake! Go watch more Batman, kids. Running around in broad daylight, 5 feet from me while the windows are open is also not very sneaky. And because my yard is dead, the shed is the only thing to hide behind. Hopefully they’ll plan their next expedition a little more thoroughly. And in someone else’s yard.
I have a love/hate relationship with Pinterest. It’s great for finding crafty ideas and inspiration, and I even found a wonderful board showing how much photoshop is really used in magazines; it is eye-opening. But there are also things that make me roll my eyes so hard I need physical therapy afterward.
First let’s complain about discuss tagging etiquette. For the love of Poseiden stop saying “Yes, please!” at the end of everything. You are not shopping on Pinterest. No one is going to hand you the food/crafted item you see. I cannot express how prevalent and obnoxious this is. It makes me want to stab you in the eyes so you can never pin anything ever again.
If you are pinning something, do not write crap like this (taken from an actual pin):
Chef Robin White Aka @canapes45 of @Chatterworks teaches: How to Corn Your Fresh @DArtagnan_Inc Corned Beef. Your INVITED to Pin and Tweet Chat with us: @Chatterworks – @Canapes45 – @KatieSheaDesign – @TheDailyBasics Tweet/Pin with HashTags: #ChatwrksStPat #stpatricksday Tues 3/05 4pm EST Celebrating St Patrick’s Day in #recipes, #drinks, #entertaining and #traditions!
If you are pinning this and don’t delete this garbage you deserve to be slapped with an entire ham. This is impossible to read, packed with useless information, and someone tell me I’m not the only one to notice the glaring spelling error? You are taking up room on my pinterest with your textual garbage. If I wanted to see that I would read yahoo.com (ooh, burn!).
I admit, I am a confirmed cranky old bitch. Phrases like “These kids today have terrible grammar!” complete with impotent fist shaking, are commonplace in conversations with me. I can no longer contain my mockery of pinterest, however, so I created a whole board simply called “Why?”, where I pin terrible things and add my commentary. Follow my journey of snark and ridicule through crafting and recipes. I hope you find it as humorous as I do cathartic.
Things I want to rant about at work
We have a tiny kitchenette at my office, and, as with any shared space, people do not take proper care of it. I don’t know if it’s the lack of accountability or what, but people who are usually neat and polite in person, turn into complete selfish jackasses when there are no witnesses. Instead of worrying about a tree falling in the forest, the question should be “If there’s no one in the kitchen, will a person clean up after themselves?” The answer is a resounding no (unless that person is me, because I know that with my luck someone would walk in just as I was stealing their lunch, or leaving a coffee spill, so I ALWAYS hide the evidence clean up after myself).
When I see one paper towel left on the roll:
Just replace the roll, lazy ass! Don’t even start with your “But there’s still one left” crap. You know what you did is socially unacceptable. Just grab another roll, and swap it out. The new paper towels are kept conveniently in the same exact room, so they are literally within 8 feet of you, no matter where you’re standing. I even know which cabinet they’re in, but you don’t deserve that information. Hunt through all 8 cabinets until you find them. The 2 minutes you spend doing that is your punishment, and you will value the knowledge all the more for having earned it yourself. It’s even worse when they leave half a paper towel on the roll. I might turn into She-hulk next time I see that.
Cool vintage image I needed an excuse to use
When I see dirty dishes in the sink:
WE HAVE A DISHWASHER. JUST PUT THEM IN IT. You don’t even have to sully your precious hands with something as bourgeois as washing a dish. Literally set them in the dishwasher, and, like magic, clean dishes will appear. I know your excuse this time: “But I don’t know if it’s clean or dirty in there!” IT’S LABELED. There is a magnet on the front that says “Clean” on one side and “Dirty” on the other. Maybe you’d be able to read it if you pulled your head out of your own self-importance.
When the dish soap is closed:
I know you’re probably trying to make the kitchen look neat and tidy, but there is no reason to snap the lid shut on the Dawn. It’s not Pandora’s Box. When I need it, my hands are wet, and the whole bottle is slick with leaked soap, so it takes ten minutes of prying and swearing before I can hand wash my one plate. The soap will not escape. It won’t ooze out of the bottle and destroy all mankind. Just leave it open, and I won’t rip off the top of your skull to illustrate the proper soap-lid position.
When there’s no coffee:
You finished the pot, or almost worse, left a quarter inch at the bottom in a sad pretense of leaving some for the next person. That sad, cold bottom coffee is a symbol of your thoughtlessness. It is morning. You have received caffeine through no effort of your own. Pay it forward by making another pot so I can have the same glorious infusion. You wouldn’t like me when I’m un-caffeinated.
The bottom line is your time is not more valuable than mine. It is not my job to clean up after you or make your life easier in any way. If you wouldn’t do something when people are watching you shouldn’t do it at all. What’s that golden rule again? Treat others…something, something…oh wait it’s DON’T BE AN ASSHOLE.
Watch Die Hard for Valentines
Around this time of year, people are constantly asking “What are you doing for Valentine’s day?” Hubby and I have been together for ten years, so people assume I’ll answer “We’re riding winged hippos to our private concert with The Cure in Valhalla, then we roll in fairy dust and eat rainbow babies. They taste like marshmallows!” or something like that.
I know single people hate Valentine’s because couples are gross, and on and on. But couples hate it too. Do you have any idea how much pressure there is to come up with a magical romance scenario? Also, I’m not really supposed to plan anything, it’s all on Hubby’s shoulders. On top of all of that, some people made their plans LAST year, so all the winged hippos are already reserved! I would rather stay home, get drunk together, and play couch coop killing zombies on Xbox.
So let’s REBEL.
No more expensive meals crammed into busy restaurants with every other couple in your neighborhood. No more over-priced flowers and chocolates (I mean, you can make chocolate covered strawberries if you want, but those are just good for any occasion).
Die Hard is the perfect movie to watch on Valentine’s. Yes, it’s a Christmas movie, but it has action, adventure, romance, and most importantly, ALAN RICKMAN. Oh what a hot demon of a man. He’s so good at being evil!! It’s romantic without being in your face mushy, and let’s just be honest, it’s possible one of the greatest movies of all time.
If you haven’t seen it yet, don’t bother to tell me. Use this as your excuse to finally see it. I’m starting a new tag called “Movies you should have seen by now” and this is a great movie to start with. You really should see the whole series.
Have a great Thursday, no matter what you end up doing or with who.
How to tell if you’re Bad at the Internet
Everyone wants to appear as though they know what they’re doing, but the internet is a minefield of weird inside jokes and hidden etiquette. There are several main indicators that demonstrate to other people that you aren’t as internet savvy as you might be.
- You type “www.” in before a web address.
You don’t actually have to do this anymore. The internet box knows everything starts with “www”, so you can just type the site, “thatcleverchick.com” for example. - You Google everything, even websites you know the name of.
If you’re going to Netflix.com, just type “Netflix.com” in the address bar at the top of the page. Please do not go to Google and type “Netflix.com”. If you’re unsure of the spelling, then this is acceptable, but if you type yourself typing “.com” into Google, you deserve a slap. - You never use Google.
Yahoo and Bing are both terrible search engines. Using either one of these shows that you are completely inept at life, and deserve severe mockery. - You type in the entire website name.
Ok, you’ve taken some good steps: typing a web address directly into the address bar, rather than Google, but it has pre-populated, (meaning I type the letter “G” and a list of sites I commonly use, starting with the letter G pops down) and rather than click on the handy-dandy link, you keep typing! What is the point of that? You don’t earn points for extra effort, just click the link and be more efficient. - You ask what abbreviations mean.
Mi Madre started a conversation with me not too long ago like this: “I know what ‘WTF’ means…(Oh God! *INTERNAL CRINGE* What horrible, obscene thing did my poor mother find on the internet that I’m now going to have to explain?!?!?!)…but what is ‘FTW’?” (*MASSIVE INTERNAL SIGH OF RELIEF*) “For the win.”Fortunately for all you n00bs out there, there is a website called urbandictionary.com. They define all the ridiculous internet inventions and memes, so you don’t have to find a “young person” to ask. Start by looking up “n00bs” and “memes”. - You double-click everything.
Most things on the internet are buttons, meaning you just click once. If people keep double clicking I’m going to start tazing them as punishment. - You have a terrible email address.
If your email address STILL ends in “@aol.com” you are a completely lost cause. I’m amazed you even found this blog, let alone turned your computer on. You should probably just be shot out of a cannon, so your life has a modicum of meaning. Having a yahoo email address is slightly better, but still terrible. Hotmail is somewhat looked down on, while gmail is considered the best. If you have your own email, such as “@thatcleverchick.com” you are considered an Internet Professional. (I don’t have that…yet).Similarly, if your screen name or email address is “Princess783487548″ or “Eyem_s000_Kewl37″ you’re either 13, or a time traveler from 1995. (If you’re a time traveler, please go to Stephen Hawking’s time traveler party!) Seriously, take the time to come up with a unique, easy to remember email address. There is more than one free email provider out there, so shop around until you get a good address. - Someone tells you a website name, and you ask “Dot com?”
They pretty much all end in “.com”. Yes, there are some exceptions, but when that is the case people emphasize it: “Go to ‘Austin pets alive DOT ORG’”, because they know that everyone will assume .com.
If you don’t know how to do something online (like an email attachment), just Google it. You can even type in whole questions! Like “How do I do an email attachment on aol?” and you should find the answer. If you don’t know why “Ain’t nobody got time for that!” is funny, just type it into the magic answer box of Google. You may never be up-to-date on all the ridiculousness that floats around the internet (like Gangham Style, Nyan Cat, or Keyboard Cat), but you don’t need to be. Avoid these obvious signs that you have no idea what you’re doing, and use this new found knowledge to mock others incessantly.
What else did I miss? What makes you snort and shake your head when you see people online?
Chemical vs. Natural
My friend Palmer the Nomad recently wrote two blog posts that I really enjoyed, and inspired me to rant on a topic I haven’t blogged about before: chemical vs. natural. For some reason lots of people seem to think chemical = bad, and natural = good, and vice versa. Neither of these approaches is correct.
Chemicals:
I have heard the argument “Well, everything is technically a chemical”, which is scientifically true, but not the actual issue being discussed. People that are pro-natural and anti-chemical are talking about man made chemicals, like aspartame, not helium. Congratulations, you have just argued semantics, and completely avoided making a relevant point.
I have also heard “Why bother with natural stuff when the chemicals do the same thing (sometimes adding:) but better?” Well, several reasons. If you could just grow mint in your yard and chew some for a headache, it would be much cheaper than pain killers. You would avoid the toxic mess that’s a byproduct of the manufacturing process, the trash from the packaging, and the remaining chemicals you pee out into our water system. Some medications also cause side effects (decongestants make me high, for example) so if there was an herb I could take instead, I totally would. Medications can also have horrible problems that don’t show up until later, like the recent rash of heart problems caused in young women by birth control pills, or suicides caused by antidepressants.
Natural:
I have heard people say “It’s natural!”, in context meaning either ‘it can’t be harmful’ or ‘it’s good for you’. Neither of these are necessarily true. Poison ivy is natural, but there’s no part of my body I want that stuff near. Oleander, foxglove, nightshade, and hemlock, are just another couple of examples. Many plants evolved to try and NOT be eaten, and use poison and discomfort to achieve that. Buffalo feces is natural also, but I’m not planning to eat it.
The other problem with “natural” is that it has become a subjective term, in regards to manufactured products. Manufacturers know people prefer natural products to chemicals, so they’ve started sticking that word on all kinds of crap. Unfortunately, it has no regulatory meaning, so you may get that happy feeling from helping the planet, while unknowingly killing fish downstream, or giving yourself asthma.
I do think we use too many manufactured chemicals we just don’t need (air freshener for example), but just because something is “natural” doesn’t mean it’s the best option for the job. That phrase is just used to assuage your guilt, like buying indulgences, and justify actions you want to take anyway. The bottom line, is neither of these choices is the right answer for every problem, and the arguments have been simplified to the point of absurdity. There is no reason for there to be a vs. in this topic at all. Find a solution that will do what’s needed with as little impact as possible.
My Entertaining Hubby
I follow George Takei on Facebook. Yes, the Star Trek George Takei. He is absolutely hilarious, and posts ridiculous stuff all the time. Awhile back he posted this:
Hubby found this to be hilarious, so he reposted it on his wall. I, of course, could not let my honor be impinged in such a way, so I posted a response. It’s not that polished, but I think you get the idea:
There you go, sweetie. Fixed that for you!
